From: derek@teleport.com (Derek Gottfrid) Date: 3 Feb 1994 12:51:48 -0600 Newsgroups: alt.zines Subject: New Zine: SLAP #1 ------------------------------------------------------------ >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> SLAP<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< -----------------------------------#1----------------------- LETTER TO YOU: SLAP has no goals. This is not a subversive underground e- zine. It doesn't' tell you what is cool and what is not. It is not hip. Normal people can read it and enjoy it. This first issue is pretty short. It only has 4 tiny articles. But if you like/hate SLAP send me mail. Submissions or Subscribition? Send me mail. Hopefully, SLAP will come out 2 or 3 times a month. Well anyway enough, I believe in shortness and bad grammmar. Here it is >>>>>>>>>> SLAP! Derek derek@teleport.com Contents: #1------Personal not Political: Rush Limbaugh #2------Deal of the Decade: The Bosnia Conflict on Pay Per View an Investment Opportunity #3------SLAP: Thoughts (AKA filler) #4------Lorena Bobbit: The Moral of the Story all articles are written by Siako-chan! ############################################################ 111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111 ############################################################ Personal not Political: Rush Limbaugh Is Rush Limbaugh the "Most Dangerous Man in America?" Only if there was a food shortage. Rush claims to have talent on loan from God. Why didn't God give him a can a hair paint and a weight plan. Rush is so fully of wit and political insights as he will surely tell you. I am just not clear as to where he learned all of these numerous skills. Was that his junior or senior year of High School? He is always 'pontificating' something. He uses very large and impressive words. He masturbate himself into a frenzy with the Webster Dictionary at hand and yet produce nothing. There is a theory in popular psychology that men who have what they believe to be inadequate penis size try and make up for it in other ways. Perhaps that is what Rush is doing he knows he has no intellectual power so he toss around big words to disguise the fact that he has the intelligence of a 'harmless little fuzz ball'. Rush writes as if someone shoved a pencil up is ass, told him to squat over a piece of paper and wiggle. Rush claims by virtue of his many listener that he must be right that that many people cant be wrong. People loved Hitler too. Rush's audience is made up of disenfranchised white males that are unable to comprehend the world around them that is changing. They are individuals that want to go back to the Betty Crocker/ Dwight D Eisenhower era. Well listener here, get a grip I know this is going to hurt but you can't go back those days are gone. And yes Rush will tell you of his many woman listeners. Yes, these woman are oppressed housewife that need someone to justify there existence. Rush really doesn't understand the world around him and his audience likes to enjoy the same misconceptions as the 'Doctor of Democracy.' Rush is so up to date a with it that he is on AM radio. AM radio is really at the forefront of modern America. Nobody but the cultural illiterate listen to AM. Rush holds himself up to be the model of modern American success. A true Horatio Algiers for the 20th century despite the fact that he failed in school and in marriage. Rush always says it isn't about personalities or individual people but it's about politics. Well Rush for me it isn't about politics here it is about that fat bloated over inflated misinformed ego of yours. Rush Limbaugh talent on loan from God.....now I know why they crucified Jesus. ############################################################ 222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222 ############################################################ The Deal of the Decade Attention Investors! Would you like to make untold fortunes by bringing the American public the latest and greatest in modern entertainment. Well have I got a deal for you. I am actively seeking investors for a new business venture. The following information contains the concepts and underlying ideas behind what could be the most successful business venture since the launch of QVC. As Americans and the whole industrialized world becomes more productive. It takes less time for use to produce the same amount of goods and services as it has in the past thus leaving more free time available. This free or leisure time is the market I am targeting. In recent months we have seen giant companies pairing off to provide the future hardware for interacitvity television and increased bandwidth opportunity. But what they fail to understand that hardware is not where the real money will be made on these ventures. The really money lies in the software. Who makes more money the top recording artist like Michael Bolton or the man who actually physically produces his CD and tapes? The answer is of course Michael Bolton. He is the software. Look at the difference between IBM current financial standing and Microsoft's. Hardware is only sold once but software is not constricted by a single sell. While all the big studios line up behind a major telecommunications or cable company there still exist a vast amount of bandwidth to be filled on theses new systems. So I have developed several ideas on creating new and exciting entertainment software to run on these new hardware systems. Where are those untapped software markets? Well it is time to look beyond the traditional big studio type entertainment extravaganza. I have located a untapped software source that has untold potential. As of this writing nobody has secured the exclusive rights to the current Bosinia/Hertzogovina conflict. As odd as this idea may seem. I believe that the markets have indicated this sort of entertainment will be the next big thing. Look at the success of TV shows like Cops, Eyewitness Video, and America's Funniest Home Video. All these shows are live action dramas. The popularity of CNN's worldwide coverage of conflict outbreaks is impressive as well. Look at the ratings for the Beijing Student Uprising, LA Riots and the Gulf War. All of these have been major media events. But the idea here is to offer round the clock live coverage of the war. Similar to the idea behind Court TV but this has the hook every American loves violence. To offer this on a Pay Per View basis at the beginning would produce the greatest amount of revenue possible for future ventures. The opportunities are limitless. I envision a network that would at first secure all parties involved in the conflict to an exclusive television deal with the options for developing and marketing of products based on the conflict. i.e. dolls, toys, video games, field trips to the region etc. Once all the hardware is in place to offer interactive TV. I will be selling people to the opportunity to control an individual solider or commander via their interactive TV's remote control. It is better than even the best Virtual Reality systems we always hear about. This is life and death ( and money for us) Some kind of advertise plug along the lines of the stuff Sally Struthers did for Feed the Children. We get some former action movie star or perhaps a former military figure like Oliver North or G. Gordon Liddy to do some ads about how stupid and dumb these people are and how they need your help in winning the war and staying alive. Of course to appease the people that might be offend by such a business venture we will need to do some PR about how good this is for the economy and that if somebody is going to die at least let some else enjoy the entertainment factor of it while letting you and I make a significant buck off the whole process. Everyone has always know that war is money. And with the advent of modern media we can now get a slice off that pie. I would in the future like to expand from just the Bosnia conflict into other regional conflicts. I think the possibilities are endless. I have a creative genius for spotting and developing these opportunities. Think of the untold millions you can make by getting in on the ground floor of this once in a lifetime opportunity. Gain financial security for yourself and your family with only one smart investment. Look in the press and see all the hype about all the partnerships and deals that are occurring daily between Hollywood and Wall St. Well now I have made room for the little guy to get a piece of the action. Think about what I am talking about here. I know you are aware of the financial gain possible from such a unique and timely idea such as this. Live action war drama that also contains political overtones on television first as a pay per view venture then on into interactive TV. This is the entertainment of the future. Act now. Opportunities are limited. Operators are standing by to take your calls. War/Violence/TV/Interactive Media seems to me to be a formula for success. So come on board. ############################################################ 333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333 ############################################################ Tonya Harding is the Shannon Doherty of ice skating. Shawn Eric Eckhardt is a registered parachutist. Shaw Eric Eckhardt is an expert in counter-intelligence. Michael Jackson loves young children and animals. Michael Jackson has been accused by children of molestation. Animals have yet to speak out. Dr. Suess is on his way to act as an interpreter. Warren Christopher, Secretary of State is featured in a number of the Time-Life books. Shannon Doherty will be the Playboy Cover girl for March. Roseanne Arnold claims to have been a prostitute. Animals have yet to speak out. Roseanne Arnold claims to have had lesbian sex. Gilligan and Skipper new crew of Carnival Cruises. We won't have to see anymore Kathy Lee. After seeing all the attention Joey Buttafuco got from his liaison with a minor.... Jerry Seinfled is dating a 17 year girl. Madonna is dating a 15 year old boy. Not to be out done Michael Jackson is dating a 3 week old infant. Roseanne Arlond claims she was molested when she was just a fetus. While waiting on line for food, Zhiranofsky says that he will impose a blockade around Japan and starve them to death unless they return Sakalin Islands. Sex-expert, Dr. Ruth Westhiemer's gynecologist is Dr. Jack Kevorkian. Oliver North is running for the Senate. He is quoted as saying "I'll teach congress a thing or two about lying and corruption!" Despite what major media thinks, Nobody outside of Southern California really cares about their traffic problems. ########################################################### 444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444 ############################################################ Lorena Bobbitt---The Moral of the Story The Bobbits is a true tale of tragedy. Lorena a woman abused, beaten and raped strikes back against her husband John Wayne Bobbit. In a legal maze that confused everyone, John and Lorena were both acquitted of their alleged crimes. John was found not guilty for rape and Lorena was also found not to be responsible for the mutilation of Mr. Bobbit. With all the press coverage, the debating, the courtroom drama, the call in shows, the trash TV talk shows and the 'legitimate' press following the story too, was anything learned? What is the moral of the story? How could have this been prevented? The whole incident really is John Wayne Bobbit's fault. There are two possible roads Mr. Bobbit could have taken to prevent this scenario. One would have been to be more caring and sensitive to his wife's needs. In other words not raping her, and abusing her. The more logical and realistic solution is that John Wayne Bobbit should have done a better job of beating the hell out of her. If Mr. Bobbit had successfully oppressed that woman then she would never have dare raise up against her master. I know, you are complaining that it is mean and cruel etc. But John could have claimed to be the victim just like Lorena did. John really was a victim of society. Being a white male, it was in his history and culture to oppress and beat on people. The military training he received served to reinforce these behavior patterns. Just as Lorena was a victim of abuse and knew no other way out but premeditated mutilation., John had seen no other plausible alternatives other than beating his wife. The problem with John is that perhaps he had become soft and weak in the face of to many afternoons spent watching Oprah. The caring sensitive movement among men had only slightly affected Mr. Bobbit. He was still oppressive but not to the proper degree. He gave her only one black eye instead of two. It was a kinder gentler John Wayne Bobbit that rape and beat his wife. He had lost the true historical and cultural tradition of the white male. Lorena Bobbit made John physical already what he was mentally: half a man. The lesson learned here is obvious. Men must become strong again. Men must be men. If men are going to brutalize women they can't just injure the physical package but they must destroy the inner soul of women. Extinguish any light of rebellion they might have. Men must secure their dominance or face more incidents like the Bobbits. Men must become strong or learn to sleep on their stomachs.